Führer and Reich Chancellor of the German Reich, Adolf Hitler, addressed the UN yesterday, proffering a blistering defence of the actions of the German state in its ongoing conflict with the world. As the accused war criminal Hitler began his speech, nearly 100 delegates walked out in protest. Hitler mocked these “moral cowards,” as he called them, and proceeded to dismantle the many lies the world was disseminating about his beloved homeland.
Hitler insisted that Germany’s military operations in Poland, France, and the Soviet Union were purely preventive and self-defensive actions forced by Allied encirclement and provocations and categorically denied that the Wehrmacht had engaged in false-flag operations on the Polish border to justify invading Poland in 1939.
The Führer also claimed that Germany was, in fact, protecting European civilisation from what he termed “Judeo-Bolshevik barbarism.” He dismissed reports that Axis forces were systematically destroying European cultural landmarks and executing millions of civilians, denouncing as Allied “atrocity propaganda” any claim that Germany engaged in a genocidal campaign. Indeed, he pointed to the Wehrmacht’s distribution of millions of leaflets warning civilians to leave combat areas as proof of its humanitarian concern, adding that this is the “opposite of genocide.” Furthermore, he insisted that the millions of dead Jews, Poles, people with disabilities, political dissidents, etcetera were, in fact, active enemy combatants.
The Chancellor’s speech also included a spirited defence of Germany’s conduct in the Occupied Territories—which he called “disputed territories”—asserting that these regions were actually benefiting from Germany’s well-earned reputation for order and efficiency. He maintained that German security forces and civilian personnel were merely protecting the local population from chaos and anarchy. He was particularly incensed at the allegation that widespread starvation in the disputed territories was a deliberate policy of the German Reich, attributing all starvation, economic hardship, and civilian suffering across occupied Europe entirely to the Allied naval blockade and strategic bombing campaigns, as well as to looting by “terrorists” in the so-called resistance.
To the accusation that millions of foreign civilians and prisoners of war were forced into slave labour in German armaments factories, the Führer simply responded with a dismissive wave of his hand. Rejecting claims of severe food shortages, infrastructure collapse, blockades, and restrictions on movement, he asserted that minority populations within the Reich were well cared for, adequately fed, and voluntarily aiding the European war effort.
The Führer also clarified that the transfer of the Jewish population to internment sites in Eastern Europe was a humanitarian “resettlement” programme designed for their own safety and well-being.
As for the charge that Germany has shown utter contempt for international law, Hitler called this a modern blood libel against Das Vaterland, stating that the Wehrmacht is the most moral military force that ever existed. He asserted that German forces target only military objectives, while placing full responsibility on the Allies for any civilian casualties.
Finally, Mr Hitler addressed the myth of Germany’s expansionism and its military aggressiveness, pleading that Germany seeks only peace and harmony but is in a “battle against barbarians,” surrounded by warmongers intent on wiping out the encircled Reich.
In a bizarre theatrical flourish that left observers stunned, the Führer produced a compact wireless radio receiver—the Volksempfänger, or “People’s Receiver”—presenting it as a beacon of “free communication and truth” for the oppressed masses living under Soviet tyranny. “The Moscow regime fears nothing more than its own people having access to truth and freedom of thought,” Hitler declared, offering to leave the device on the podium for the Soviet delegation. The Soviet delegates looked sceptical, doubtfully well aware of a regime renowned for secretly rigging, sabotaging, and weaponising consumer communication devices against its enemies.
In closing, His Excellency called on the plucky German nation to muster its courage and steel its resolve for the conflict ahead, ending with a Biblical quote: Netzach Germany.
He spoke. And drank rapidly a glass of water.
